Consumerism

So I'm pushing Ian into the supermarket. He's sitting atop a shopping cart, looking around, feet dangling, chewing lightly on his fingers. I notice a bronze firepit, a small one, right by the door, for only $50. We don't need one--not one like this--but the thing is shiny and inexpensive and very clean, and we have a big backyard that we're just starting to landscape, and I'd like to sort of collect inexpensive yard things for our yard because they look nice and they make me feel secure. It might look very nice in any number of places. And if we don't want it, I can return it.

So I grab the giant, flat box that the thing is in, and I can't fit it into the cart with Ian sitting in the top of it. I turn it and try to fit it in at different angles. I examine the space below--not enough room. I think maybe if Ian leans forward a little I can sort of squench it into the cart, so I turn the box on its side (it's not very heavy) and nudge the back of Ian's head with it, just to give him a little push forward. A nice old man comes rushing over and grabs Ian's shoulders and says to me, "Woah," as if I don't realize that I'm hitting my kid with the box. I know I'm hitting my kid with the box, you idiot! You think I'm unaware? Ian freaks since there's this old man holding his shoulders, standing right in his space, and he starts wailing. I mean really, really wailing. Tears roll. I place the box on top of the cart, flat, as if the cart is a flat surface, smile at the man, and say, "Thank you." I've no idea why I say this. I guess I don't want him to feel bad. It's unclear to him, I think, that Ian is crying not because the box hit him (and it didn't hit him--it just nudged him) but because the old man startled him. I hold Ian and tell him it will be fine and people stare at us, at this wild, stupid consumer of a mother, as they pass by into the store.

"Are you going to be able to fit it in the cart?" the old man calls as he walks into the store.

"No," I call back. I wait for Ian to settle down, grab a cart, and go inside for celery and diapers.